The times, they are a-changin’! We started WhyDidIEatThis.com to find good spots for wings, but now we see that eating hot wings every week just isn’t a sustainable lifestyle. We’ve decided to start covering organic products and sustainable farms and we’re going to do our best to visit vegetarian and even vegan restaurants that support these ideals. We want our food to come from healthy places where we can gather under trees and have picnics. We’ve started eating flax seed and pomegranates and don’t even really miss that disgusting chunky heavy deep fried chicken wing crap anymore.
Ok, so everything I just wrote was a terrible lie and it makes me feel so gross. What I really mean is, we’re going to review something you can buy in Wal-Mart. That’s the change. That’s it. And veganism is really stupid.
Why would anyone choose to be vegan? Vegan chicks cant even give a blowie. That’s just so stupid. AND ALSO, HAM EXISTS. It exists. Are they stupid? That’s so stupid. Bacon. Come on. Don’t be stupid. Anything you can eat that’s vegan can be made better by adding some sort of animal to it. Salad? If you put some bacon on it then it’s at least got something you can pick out of the foliage. Vegan noodles with some sort of vegan sauce? Yeah, maybe with an assload of cheese and a side of “quit being a shitty cook and make something people want to eat, like meat.”
What about soup? How can you make a decent soup if it’s vegan? Vegetable broth? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA no. No. You need some sort of animal. Maybe chicken. And if you’re going to have chicken in your soup, what’s the best form of chicken? That’s right, Hot Wings. Well, the folks at Campbell’s Soup agreed and decided to create an addition to their Chunky line of soups, called Kickin’ Buffalo-Style Chicken, and they asked us to review it.
We asked them if they were prepared for an honest review and they actually said yes…
I will say that any company that has the balls to ask a pair of notorious assholes like ourselves to review their product or restaurant would have to be incredibly confident in their product, because while we have a tendency to lambaste and destroy anything that isn’t good, we also dry-hump the figurative fuck out of anything that we love. So either Campbell’s Chunky is super brave, or they just never read anything we did, found us listed under “food blogs” and thought “Let’s ask these nice fellows to review our soup!”. My guess is the latter.
The nice folks at Campbell’s Chunky marketing team (I mean…the team that markets the Chunky soup. I’m not saying the people themselves are chunky) sent us a box with two cans of soup:
They also included an envelope with a letter describing their new line of soups that I can only describe as trying to be masculine. Cheeseburgers! Wings! Whatever. If it sells soup for them, go for it. Pandering to meatheads is their business, eating buffalo-flavored stuff is ours.
I totally looked for money in the envelope. I’m not saying we expected to be paid for this review, I’m just saying that we’re broke and a few dollars to grease the wheels would totally have been acceptable 😉 [Editor’s Note: We still would have reviewed it truthfully. WE HAVE SCRUPLES.]
I totally didn’t have a mental breakdown over that. Anyway, on to the Chunky Soup. Popping the can open revealed something I didn’t expect to see. You know in the second Ninja Turtles movie how they had that glowing green ooze? Yeah, this soup looked like that, but orange.
Ok, so it wasn’t the most visually appealing food I’ve ever laid eyes on. But then, what did we expect a Buffalo chicken soup to look like? I vacillated between warming it on the stove and warming it in the microwave, wondering if this was going to affect the flavor or texture or taste of the Chunky soup.
Then I realized that I needed to eat this the way anyone would. Most college bros that want to pick up a can of this are going to be using the microwave, so I was going to do the same. I poured its Chunky wetness into a bowl and heated it up for about 4 minutes. I like my shit boiling, son.
It came out of the microwave looking like this:
This Chunky soup wasn’t as thick as a chowder or a baked potato soup, but it wasn’t thin like minestrone or chicken noodle either, sort of right in the middle. It had an aroma to it that I was having trouble recognizing, but I could clearly see the chunks of potatoes, carrots and chicken in there.
I took a bite, held it in my mouth and tried to place the flavors. While I sat there and pondered, my wife commandeered the bowl, slurped some of the Kickin’ flavor and said, “This tastes like bell peppers. And crap.”
And holy shit, she was right. There was a very pronounced “peppers” taste to this soup, like they pureed a ton of red bell pepper stems to make up a good Chunky chunk of this. It was almost too much. And by “almost”, I mean “absolutely”.
You know how bell peppers can take on too tart of a taste if you put too many of them? This is how this soup tasted. Muddled. Vegetable-y. Potatoes. Some chicken. Matter of fact, of all the things this soup was, the one thing it DIDN’T taste like was Buffalo.
My wife had a few more slurps before declaring it “awful” and then going back for another bite or two. I’ll admit this much, the Chunky soup is poorly seasoned and tastes nothing like it’s supposed to, but the flavor combination is almost too curious to avoid. I didn’t AT ALL like what I was tasting, but I kept tasting it to figure out how they even made it taste like that.
Eventually I was sick of this Campbell’s Chunky Kickin’ Buffalo-Style Chicken soup not tasting like Kickin’ Buffalo anything. If this was kickin’, the kick was being delivered by Stephen Hawking. I decided I had tasted enough to make my decision on it, and then went to the kitchen to doctor it up.
A note to Campbell’s, by the way: Fire anyone who tells you that the word “Kickin'” is still in the modern lexicon for the average man. It’s not. It hasn’t been since the mid-90s and even then it started dying about the time that 3 Ninjas Kick Back made us all realize that the marketing teams who come up with these ideas are absolutely fucking retarded and should all be chemically castrated.
I usually have a bottle of Frank’s lying around and this time was no exception. But, as is the case with the rest of the meal, I was confronted with disappointment. See, I had made some of this fancy ass Buffalo Chicken cheese dip a few weeks prior (shit is thugtastic, ask me for the recipe some day) and when making that I don’t use the regular Frank’s Hot Sauce, I use Frank’s Buffalo Sauce. The difference is that their Buffalo is like half hot sauce and half “butter flavoring”. Works great in the dip.
The already peculiar consistency of this Chunky soup was made even more odd by the addition of the oily faux-butter crap they put in that Buffalo sauce, and there wasn’t enough of a vinegary kick to offset the weird veggie flavorings in their TOTALLY AWESOME KICKIN” flavor. Now, that’s not Campbell’s Chunky’s fault, that’s my fault of course.
I didn’t have the stomach to finish the entire can, even with my wife helping me out. It just wasn’t good. It was “edible”, and it was filling at least, but the odd color, the weird texture, and the strange and disgusting flavors made it so that I had no particular urge to completely devour the rest of the bowl.
This Chunky soup could have been tweaked and made into something decent. It wasn’t. Instead it tastes like they used a lot of filler-veggies to make up for the lack of Buffalo flavor and relied on the color to get the message across that “This is totally Buffalo!”.
If I was broke and this was given to me, I’d eat it, begrudgingly, before throwing most of it back in the face of the person that gave it to me. But that’s about it. Campbell’s Chunky Soups makes about a million flavors, and there are about 999,999 other ones I’d be putting in my Kickin’ mouth before I tried Kickin’ it with this stuff again. So there’s your truthful review, Campbell’s Chunky. Your Kickin’ Buffalo-Style Chicken Soup is subpar and not at all impressive, but it’s edible and not the most repulsive thing on the planet. That’s the nicest thing I can say. DEAL WITH IT.
This post was written by Xavvi