Point/Counterpoint: Boneless Wings

Posted on July 31, 2012 by 2 Comments
Boneless Wings

Photo credit: epicportions.com

by Tyler

I hate boneless wings. Scratch that, I would hate boneless wings if there was a such thing as a boneless wing but unless they are breeding some kind of mutant chicken that doesn’t have bones in its wings that is not a real food.

So, since it is obviously not a real chicken wing I have to assume they just form a nasty chicken glob by wadding together a mash of whatever leftover chicken parts they have laying around after removing the good parts for real food. Then they bread them and fry them and cover them with buffalo sauce so they can sell them to suckers. It is like a chicken nugget with hot sauce but they somehow tricked adults into eating them and serve them up at sports bars.

I honestly can’t figure out what the point of having boneless chicken globs on your menu is. If I want a chicken wing I will order fucking chicken wings. If I want something boneless with buffalo sauce on it I will order buffalo tenders (not that buffalo tenders aren’t sort of a disgrace themselves but at least they are a stand-alone item without the buffalo sauce). Do we really need something in between? Do we really need some kind of chicken wing/tender hybrid from hell?

I actually googled boneless wings to see what kind of justification people could make for ordering these monstrosities. Here are the arguments I found in favor of them and my rebuttal:

  1. You get more meat for your money with boneless wings. To that I say you aren’t eating the right wings. Quit going to fucking Buffalo Wild Wings and find a real wing joint. Go eat a dozen wings from NY Boyz or ATL Wings or Cogburn’s and tell me that isn’t enough fucking meat. A dozen wings from a good wing joint is going to be just as much food as your shitty boneless chicken globs.
  2. Boneless wings are easier to eat. The convenience over quality argument I guess. This has got to be the laziest argument I have ever seen. Hot wings are not exactly crabs legs alright. How tricky is this shit? Pick them up with your hands and eat the meat off the bone.
  3. Boneless wings are less messy. I think you may be missing the point of hot wings. Part of the satisfaction of eating hot wings is tearing the meat from the bone while getting covered in hot sauce. But fine, if you are really that big of a baby about getting sauce on your fingers then head out to JT’s and order some excellent grilled wings. They grill them after they sauce them so you won’t get sauce all over your hands (as long as you don’t get them double dipped).
  4. Boneless wings are better for you. This is a valid argument except for the fact that boneless wings are breaded, deep fried chicken chunks covered in a combination cayenne pepper sauce and butter. What about that sounds like it is a healthy food? Ordering boneless wings as the healthier option is like ordering a diet soda to go with your deep fried Twinkie.

Now, I want to note that I did not find one person saying they opted for the boneless chicken globs because they tasted better. No one seems to be able to make that argument. Basically, boneless wings are hot wings for people who are too lazy to eat a real hot wing and are willing to sacrifice the flavor/texture/satisfaction of a real hot wing to make things easier.

The things that make hot wings a great food are the same things that are sacrificed in boneless wings. The white-meat-chicken-nugget-style boneless wing is never going to match the flavor of the off-the-bone meat of the traditional hot wing gets which is in part derived the skin and the fat, which are both missing from the boneless variety. A boneless chicken glob, no matter how well it is cooked, can’t match the crispy-on-the-outside juicy-and-tender-on-the-inside texture a well-cooked real hot wing. Eating a boneless wing with a  fork lacks the satisfying, primal feeling of tearing the meat from the bone.

Eating a hot wing is about indulging in the great flavor and decadence of a meal so bad for your but so delicious as to make it worth it. Ideally, this would be a once-and-awhile departure from an otherwise healthy lifestyle (of course, we write a wing blog so we throw that right out the window). Eating a boneless wing is completely missing the point. It is not worth the nutritional sacrifice if you are going to half-ass it.

So, I say no thank you to boneless chicken wings. You enjoy your chicken globs that would be rightfully soaked in Taco Bell sauce and I will stick with the real hot wings.

by Xavvi

I agree with every word of what my counterpart has said.  Yes, this is called Point/Counterpoint and no that wasn’t a typo up there where the “Counter” part got crossed out.  Boneless wings are the fucking clown shoes of the chicken world.

If your wife or your girlfriend or that rickety pair of X chromosomes you’re attempting to date insists that she won’t eat a traditional wing because she hates meat on a bone or she thinks it’s less messy or, god forbid, just thinks boneless wings are cuter, then you need out of that relationship immediately.  The sex is going to be awful.

  • No meat on a bone?   She’s awful at head.
  • It’s too messy?  Good luck getting anything more than missionary.
  • They’re cuter?  She’s going to use the word “penis” in the bedroom and buy a lot of candles and decorative towels.

Just ditch her and find a woman that isn’t a worthless pile of gelatinous waste, because that’s exactly what a boneless wing consists of and she’s amazingly similar to one.

Half of the men I meet that eat boneless wings attempt to justify their sacrilege of the hot wing experience by blaming it on their partner, as if it’s the partner’s fault that the dude is a spineless wimp eating “wings” with a fork.  Do you drink beer with a straw and put ice in the glass too?

Compressed granules of mechanically separated knuckle fat do not an actual wing make.  Literally every argument you can make for a boneless wing can be made for a chicken strip, and you actually get more and better meat for your money with those.

I’m not even going to try to reason with any women reading this.  I’m not a misogynist, it just dawns on me that women are the exact target audience that corporations invented boneless wings for.  They’ve miniaturized wet wipes and individualized coffee packets and turned every food into a single-serving packet of cuteness; it’s only natural they’d want to take something as delicious as the hot wing and turn it into the Convenience Version Fun Size Party Pack Chicken Pop and market it to ladies who don’t want to smear their lipstick and who eat pizza with a fucking fork.

But you men out there that choose to eat boneless wings?  You former warriors and gladiators and farmers who broke their back tilling fields and factory workers with faces blackened with soot…you men who relied on brawn and muscle and sheer determination and left crippling work to go to a crowded bar to celebrate surviving one more day in this terrible world you’ve had to build and drank beer and gripped chunks of meat by the exposed bone and tore into it with your incisors and canines in the remembrance that you share so much with the animals you slaughtered for succulent food…

…you’ve forsaken that cherished ritual for the sake of convenience.  You’ve put rhinestones on your shirts and moussed your hair and forgotten why you even ate meat from a bone in the first place.  By skipping the Buffalo wing for a boneless wing, you’re even shitting on the very land that invented this incredible treat for humanity.

A real man eats a Buffalo wing because he is an animal at heart.  A real man eats a Buffalo wing because it’s a gift our country has given the planet.  A real American eats a Buffalo wing because, fuck, this is AMERICA.

Because freedom.

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This post was written by Tyler


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